Anhedonia

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 Anhedonia [an-hee-doh-nee-uh] - inability to feel pleasure.

Don't kick yourself, I hadn't heard of the term until I started going to therapy. Anhedonia is the symptom most commonly found in major depressive disorder, as well as a whole heap of other mental illnesses. It's also present in social anxiety and people who struggle with substance abuse. DING DING DING, we have a winner! Best 3 of 5? 

It really bothers me that I relate to this word so much. An indifference, boredom, apathy. It sounds so negative and hostile when described. I hadn't really realized that I was experiencing anhedonia until I was trying to describe my general lack of interest in doing anything at all. I don't mean that in a depressive "I can't get out of bed or even open my eyes" kind of lack of interest. I mean that in a "I'll do the bare minimum requirements needed to sustain myself and those around me but I'm not going to like it and I'll complain every step of the way if more is required from me" kind of way. 

It can take from 6 months up to 2 years (in severe cases) to fully recover from the anhedonia of going sober. People who abuse substances, drugs, or struggle with addiction in general tend to experience anhedonia when they go sober due to the way they've rewired their brains while on the substance(s). They're so use to getting their dopamine fix with drugs, etc. that basic activities that reward normal non-users with dopamine aren't enough. A beautiful, sunny, weekend vacation at a lakeside cabin feels grey. Going to the waterpark surrounded by kids screaming and families enjoying  time together feels nothing but wet and kind of smells like pee. Your partner making you dinner when you've had a rough day at work just feels like sustenance. The only peace you get is when you close your eyes and mark this day as done. Now again.

In a way, realizing that you're experiencing it can make it even worse. Now its known. Now its real. Do I not enjoy this activity because I'm still recovering from my substance abuse, or because its just boring? My friend/partner/family is happy, so why can't I experience that with them? This will be a core memory for them, but for me it just was. It happened and I was there, but was I really there or was I just trying to get through it? I'm getting my life in order, I'm trying to work on myself and be better for not only me, but those around me. Why am I being punished for finally making the right decision? Is this the penance from the atrocities I committed previously, or is this personal hell an adequate level of karma from the pain and suffering I caused those around me? 

Unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb your emotions instead of dealing with them are at the core of addiction. For me it was drugs, video games, and pornography. Fun fact, people who have video game addictions also commonly experience anhedonia. Using felt like an escape. It felt like I was so close to being indifferent about what I was feeling deep down. It felt like I was so close to simply not existing just for a moment that there wasn't really any other care in the world. For a moment, nothing mattered. Just a moment of nothing felt so good. In a world as horrific, complex, irritating, random, and beautiful as the one we live in, its all just so very overwhelming. Existence is overwhelming. Not only are we trying to just continuously survive every day, but we also have to deal with the smaller things like social interactions between strangers and colleagues, the stress of having to work a shitty job that you have no vested interest in, maintaining relationships in your personal and romantic life, feeling obligated to maintain some sort of presence on social media so your friends and family don't think you're dead, and attempting to balance all of this on the road to inner peace (if that's what you're looking for). Just trying to keep track of everything is absolutely exhausting. It's no wonder people look for an escape. Even if it's just for a few hours, minutes even, at least it's something. I just wanted my little pocket of peace. My moment of Zen where I could turn my brain off for a little while and just exist without any other implication. No strings attached. Apparently there is a right way and a wrong way to go about that, and I learned the hard way first. 

It's really ironic if you think about it. I was using to escape the world around me and escape how intense everything felt all the time, and in doing so I stopped feeling everything. I did it, I escaped. This isn't what I expected. Why does taking a healthy step in the right direction leave me feeling so dull? What do I do with myself now that I can't engage in the behaviors that kept me going for all of these years? The only options are forward or backward, because you'll either progress past or relapse into the same comfort behaviors that got you into this mess. 

As much as I can drone on about how insufferable all of this is and how terrible it feels to feel like nothing can bring you joy, it does fade a little bit every day. You'll learn to take the small wins to heart. Even if its no big deal, it's still a deal, it doesn't have to be big. That's how you survive after this. You don't get to try to escape anymore, you've lost that privilege. You don't get to avoid the feelings that you've been running away from for all of this time. That's the whole point! You aren't suppose to be running away from feeling that your existence on this tiny blue rock is both fleeting and meaningless, you're suppose to seize that feeling and make something of it. Something drives everyone. Whether we draw strength from those around us, our faith, the art we create or the songs we sing, from the good we put out into the world or the money we make, we're all still trying to drum up enough strength to get us through the day. There is no running, there is no escape, you have to face yourself and your feelings and really try to understand them. Not only are you helping to better understand yourself, but you're also growing. We wouldn't commend a plant for opening an umbrella over itself every time it rained, so don't try to run away when life gets a little bit too challenging to deal with. Face the intensity. Look directly into the eyes of the God that put you here and say "Is that all you got?". Alright maybe I'll tone it down a little. All anyone is ever asking of you is for you to do your best. 

If you're experiencing anhedonia, just know that you're ability to feel happiness, joy, pleasure, and comfort will come back. Your brain just has to retrain itself to make you feel good when it's suppose to. Take the small wins. Take any and all wins. The first time I knew that I would be okay after all of this was when I woke up on a mundane Saturday morning and had my boring old morning coffee with my partner on our small balcony, while listening to the beautiful sound of the birds chirping and watching the growing, green trees blow and whisper in the wind while an optimistic Sun was rising. That was the first time I had my little moment of peace since I stopped using, and I don't intend on trading that away. Ever.